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Friday, April 5, 2019

Alien Yoga

Despite the amount of time I spend sitting at a keyboard I lead a very active life.  I ski and snowboard a lot, I hike, I do yard work and house work.  I don't sit for long.  So when I was benched after my surgery in February it was not long before I began moving around again.  One of the things I started doing, as a form of lite exercise, is yoga.  I never thought I would try it.  It looks ridiculous.  I feel ridiculous when I do it.  But more importantly, it got me thinking, I wonder if aliens do yoga.

I wonder,

Do aliens exercise?

In all the artists' renditions of aliens I have never seen a jacked up alien.  They always appear extremely skinny, with gigantic heads.  I feel like if I met an alien I would want to make it a sandwich.  I'd be like, "Yo, you wanna grab some wings or a burger, bro?"  They are so skinny, I think I could take one.  I mean, they would have to promise not to use any kind of telekinesis on me and their buddies would have to keep their phasers holstered.  They probably fight dirty, the little runts.  But I'm pretty sure, if it was a fair fight, I could knock a Martian out.

Alien doing Yoga
Maybe back on their home planet, there are aliens who do work out.  When we send men and women into space, there are size restrictions.  Astronauts need to be able to fit into small spaces.  We can only build our space capsules so big.  A 400 pound astronaut would never be able to move around in the International Space Station.

If there was a problem in flight and the crew began looking around for heavy things to jettison, Captain Porko would be looking at the other crew members, making jazz hands, going, "Hey guys.  GUYS!  Don't get any ideas.  Guys?"

It could be that aliens also have size restrictions for their astronauts.  They are coming a long way, they need to bring a lot of supplies, there is only so much room for passengers.  The fallacy with that premise is that the alien spaceship I saw was huge.  It was longer than the one acre clearing I was sitting in.  I'm guessing, if it were filled only with passengers, there could have been thousands of those skinny bobble-headed Greys in there.  Surely, they would have some room for one fatty.

Maybe there are some fat aliens but they keep those guys on the spaceship.  They're like, "Sorry Chunk.  You're not getting beamed down this time.  You're eight pramlas overweight.  I told you not to eat all those Canadians."

And Chunk would be like, "But Sir, they were covered in maple syrup!"

Yoga

So I'm sitting there in the yoga class, trying to do these silly poses.  Bear in mind, I am not knocking yoga - not much.  Maybe a little.  It is a good thing, yoga.  It is not my cup of ginseng tea but I get it.  It is good for some people.  And for now it is good for me.  I had major abdominal surgery.  I had over a foot of pipe removed and then the pieces were crazy glued back together.  It is important for me to stretch out and get everything inside me back to normal, as much as that is possible.  For now, yoga seems necessary and I believe it is working.  But it feels so weird to be making some of those poses which - let's just say that I am the only man in the class.  I will leave it at that.


One of the poses was called the Relaxation Pose.  It looks like the picture on the right, above.  I think I got it right.  I even did the, "Ohmm's," as instructed, but I failed to feel relaxed.  Maybe I just need more practice relaxing.  I have difficulty relaxing in a hot tub.  That's just me.

Would aliens do something like this?  In the past two centuries, humans have become more and more aware of the health benefits of regular exercise.  You would think, if the aliens who visit us have the ability to get from there to here, they would have a couple million year head start on us in the exercise department.  Surely, they must be really into fitness.

What kind of exercises would aliens do?  Would they put on a loose Gold's Gym tank top, drive their Camaro down to Anytime Fitness and power lift for two hours?  Do aliens drink creatine?  Perhaps they do not need to.  Perhaps the aliens who visit us are so advanced they can simulate the benefits of exercise with a drink or a pill.  That would be nice.  I would buy that.  I bet they get a lot of spam emails offering discount "Little Green Pills" from India.

My yoga instructor is thin as a rail.  If her head were a little bigger I might think she was an alien.  I am sure she is incredibly fit.  She is just extremely skinny.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe that is the reason aliens are so skinny.  They all do yoga.

If you are travelling  hundreds of light years through space, you need to make smart decisions about what you will fill your spaceship with.  Some other spaceships have been described as being a mile wide.  But most are much smaller.  It would not be practical to build a gym on-board.  It would take up too much space and all the free weights would add unnecessary weight to the ship.  Even with their advances in physics you would have to think they would want to keep the weight down on the ship.  Yoga requires zero equipment.  You just need a big open space to do it in.  They could fold up the table in the conference room and move out all the chairs and BAM! you have a yoga studio.

I think yoga would be the exercise of choice for aliens.  That is probably why it feels so... alien to me.




If you have seen an alien spaceship or any type of unidentified flying object (UFO) contact me using the Contact form on this page or call me at 401-315-9102 between 6:00am and 7:00am Eastern USA (New York) time, any weekday.

You may remain anonymous if you want.  I will not ridicule you or try to tell you why you are wrong.  I get it, I saw one too.

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Thank you for reading and keep an eye on the sky.

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