The other night I woke up at precisely 2:00 a.m. Eyes sprung open like a mouse trap and stared at the clock. I was cold. The thermostat in the master bedroom read 64. Single digit temperatures outside make it hard for the heating system to keep up in a ridiculously large house. I should have made it smaller.
I looked around the room in the blue light of a full moon. I could take it. I like the cold. But maybe the kids could use some more heat. I got up and put on my slippers and favorite blue hoodie, the one from the motorcycle shop. It has a stain on the sleeve and has shrunken in the wash but I still wear it around the house. I went downstairs to load up the wood stove.
I was careful not to wake the dogs. I did not want to be up long, waiting for them to come inside after begging to go out. I stirred the coals and stacked the stove full of logs. I took the opportunity to visit the bathroom. The fire was catching. I walked to the kitchen to get a drink of water.
Sipping water from a porcelain tea cup, I looked out the windows over the sink. The bright moon lit up everything. It reminded me of the night of my UFO encounter in Gagetown, New Brunswick. So bright, it was almost like the day.
Sometimes on nights like that I will think about aliens. Sometimes on nights not like that I will think about aliens. I stood there staring through the blue haze and wondered what I would do if a spaceship touched down on the lawn right at that very moment.
If it were summer I would probably be upset that they were messing up my grass. I have about the worst lawn in my neighborhood but I put a lot of work into it each week. It is winter, though, so I would not worry about the grass right now.
I should get a camera, I thought. If I saw another spaceship no one would believe me. I myself am skeptical of people with multiple sighting stories. What are the odds? It was a freak occurrence that I saw even one spaceship, let alone as close as I was and for as long as I did. It is extremely doubtful anything like that would ever happen to me again. I would certainly need photographic evidence this next time. Otherwise, I would probably just keep it to myself like I did with the first sighting for so many years.
But what if it took off while I was running up the stairs to grab my phone? Would it be better to go out and greet the ship's occupants without any photos or to risk missing that but possibly get a clear photo of it? I have thought of this many times. When you have a close encounter in your past you tend to think about things like this with some frequency. I have had this internal debate before.
I have vacillated on this more times than I can remember. Sometimes I think having the photo would be better. Sometimes I go with greeting the visitors. This night I decided I would go outside, freezing as it were, and try to make contact. This led me down the rabbit hole to my next thought:
What do I do if I meet an alien?
The few credible alien abduction stories I have heard do not sound like positive experiences. People are scared out of their minds. They are cold. They are uncomfortable. They may be in pain.
Fear, I understand. During my encounter I experienced a level of fear few will ever comprehend. I responded to a Twitter follower recently that it was as if every nerve in my body was screaming. This went on for the majority of the five to seven minute encounter. It subsided only after the ship began gliding out of view and I summoned the courage to get up and follow it.
Cold? Well, see above. I grew up six miles from Canada. When I was a kid we played soccer before school every morning regardless of the temperature. We usually did not have hats and gloves. The one kid who wore gloves would be the goalie. Getting hit by a frozen soccer ball is like getting hit by a cannonball. For the record, I have never been hit by a cannonball but it cannot be much worse than playing goalie in sub-zero temperatures.
Discomfort, I can do - I am over six feet tall with arthritis in my knees and have flown cross-country in coach dozens of times. It is not a pleasant experience. But I suck it up and do it.
And pain, well, I am not a fan of that but I have broken bones in a motorcycle accident, fought off cancer and pneumonia, and been married going on fifteen years now. I suppose I can deal with some level of pain.
I do not say all of this to brag. It is merely to make the point that I am prepared to deal with whatever is thrown at me if I had the opportunity to board an alien spaceship. I may eat those words if it were to ever happen but right now I am willing to take the chance.
If I ever did see another UFO, unlikely as it were, I would flag it down and try to hitch a ride. I would want to meet the people inside and find out what they were like. I would want to initiate Contact. I am doubtful they would stop and pick me up. I once tried to hitchhike around Valencia in Spain and no one picked me up. I must have walked thirty miles before jumping on a train back to Xàtiva. (There is a lot more to that story but it will have to wait for another time.) I would expect things to be different if a spaceship landed on the lawn. But who knows?
So, OK, what if I did manage to make it aboard an alien spaceship? What would I do?
I think the first thing I would want to do is to make sure my hosts did not perceive me as a threat. Think about how a strange dog acts. He will mirror your reaction to him. If you are scared or aggressive, he will be scared or aggressive. If you are calm and kind, you can put your hand out and he may come over and sniff it. This may not be the case with every dog but it is a fair generalization.
What you do with your hands in that situation matters a great deal. Dogs know that hands can harm the same way their teeth can harm. People know this too. It is why Western gentlemen have shaken hands for thousands of years, to show each other there are no weapons in their hands. Easterners do something similar before sparring with martial arts - they wave their arms across their bodies and stand with their hands at their sides, fists open, prior to taking a combative stance and opening up a can of whoop-ass on you.
I would to the same with aliens. Not the part about opening up a can of whoop-ass - I would want them to see that my hands were not hiding anything and were also not to be used as weapons themselves.
Next, I would want to show respect. Anyone who can get from there to here (wherever there is) must be thousands, if not millions, of years more advanced that humankind is. They would be highly intelligent. They would have had much time to work out a complex and advanced culture. They would be my superior in every way.
This is difficult for many people to accept, especially here in America. Humans are the dominant species on our planet and Americans are the dominant people in the species - that is to say, Americans believe we are the best, whether that is true or not. Surely we must be the baddest daddies in the Universe.
Hollywood leads us to believe that any invading cosmic army can be defeated by human/American grit and ingenuity. But in reality, we need to face the likelihood that with aliens we are like ants to them. They could squash us or study us or simply ignore us. If we were graced with their interest in communicating we would have to accept our position in the pecking order. We are way down towards the bottom of that list, probably somewhere just above a planet full of dogs.
Perhaps over time we could work towards a more equal footing. We could meet other civilizations and find out where this first one ranked in the cosmic pecking order. Are they more like the EU nations or Afghanistan? Imagine if we were visited by the Afghanis of space? We would be screwed. I hope they are more like the Europeans - modern Europeans, that is, not the ones that came to America and killed off most of the Indians and started the slave trade.
In order to show my respect for my alien hosts I would take a deep bow. This is common across most human cultures. Bowing one's head is a sign of respect and courtesy no matter where you are from. Bowing at the waist is even more respectful and taking a knee, even more so.
Initially, I would not look them in the eye. Even between species it is often advised to not look a predator in the eye. This may cause the animal to charge at you and attack you. Instead, you should look away and slowly back away.
My first demonstration of respect and peace would be to open my palms, bow my head, and take a knee. I would hold this pose for some time before slowly returning to a more natural stance and gradually looking my hosts in the eye.
Eye contact is something I am less certain of. In my interview with "John" the European police officer who had a close encounter he was extremely frightened by the eyes of the creature. He said the eyes were big and black and looking at it inspired fear, no other emotions, just pure fear. I wonder if I would have the courage to look an alien in the eyes and maintain my stare. John had a pistol which he drew on the creature. I would be unarmed, most likely.
Once both parties had established that we are mutually peaceful my next instinct would be to start asking a bunch of question like, "How does faster-than-light travel work," and, "Why do men have nipples?" But I would have to squelch that urge. As I wrote in What Would You Ask an Alien no one travels across the galaxy to be greeted by primitive people with a bunch of questions about physics or anatomy. I probably would not understand the answers anyway. I have only the most rudimentary understanding of physics. I would have to hold my questions until a more appropriate time.
I would also want to ask for something but that too would be wrong. Right now, if an alien granted me three wishes I would wish cure humanity of all diseases, eternal life for all those who want it, and then I would have to think fast and come up with something more personal just for myself. Being on the spot I would likely ask for something stupid like an alien-designed snowboard. It would be cool to have something like that but then people would mock me for all eternity for screwing up one of the wishes, like, "Why didn't you ask for wealth or your own spaceship or three more wishes?" And then I would have to be like, "It was aliens, not a genie, you fool!" I would get tired of this after a while.
I wrote in Alien Proxy War that our leaders would want aliens to share military tech with us. Then I wrote in Alien Health and Beauty that most individuals would want health and youth, as restated above. But if I were to actually meet an alien I would not ask for anything right off the bat. Sure, people would ask me afterwards why I did not ask a bunch of questions or ask for any gifts but that is not how diplomacy works. I am not a diplomat but I did see Dances with Wolves and I am pretty sure that relations with people of a highly different culture should begin with an offering rather than a request.
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| Tatonka! |
In time, I would ask many questions and make many requests but initially I would offer something instead. What would I have to offer aliens that they would not already have? Anyone who can get from there to here would be able to produce anything they wanted. Like Dr. Glascock said in the Trading with Aliens series of video clips I recorded, aliens would likely not need any of our commodities or products. Maybe they would have a curiosity about some native wares, the same way I was interested in buying a wooden mask when I went to Africa. But otherwise we would not have much to offer, as a people.
The one thing I could offer to alien visitors that is more valuable than any product is myself. In an effort to further spur official Contact and intergalactic relations I would offer to be an ambassador or a liaison between our peoples.
I am pretty good with languages. I picked up Spanish in two weeks - do not test me, that was twenty years ago, but it came pretty naturally. I already had a background in French. Spanish is like French but with different pronouns and an O at the end of everything. German was pretty easy too. It is like English with a German accent. I think I could pick up Klingon or whatever they speak on Kepler-62f pretty quickly. Obviously, I am exaggerating a little, but not much.
I am also good at blending with different cultures. I come from a small farm town, got an education, lived in good and bad parts of New York City, and traveled the US and the world. I have employed or found jobs for hundreds of blue collar workers and highly educated professionals alike and gotten along well with each of them. I could chill with some aliens, brah. It would not be long before I would be sporting the alien versions of a Dashiki and a Sombrero with a Kilt and some Wooden Shoes. Certainly, I would look ridiculous to my Earthan brethren but I would represent my new friends from space, y'all.
Perhaps aliens would scoff at me being their ambassador. I mean, who am I, really? After hearing my offer they may look around the room at each other, uncomfortably scoping for any note of approval or a sign of how to let me down easy. The head alien guy would be like, "Actually, puny Earthan (* ahem *, no offense, like, you're just puny, you know?), we were hoping you could introduce us to Luis Elizondo." And then I would be like, "Ya, I could text him for you but you see, I left my phone at home. What had happened was, I was going to grab it so I could get some pictures of you guys but then I thought it would be more important to like, you know, make contact? How about you give me your number and I'll put you guys in touch." Then I would probably crumple up the number and never call it like every Saturday night in my twenties. It was all about getting the digits.
Perhaps these are delusions of grandeur. But I think it would be pretty cool to be an ambassador to aliens. I have been looking for a career change recently. Running The Best Staffing Company in the World is hard work. I am pretty sure that Ambassador to Aliens would be an easier job. It would be a fun challenge, anyway.
Before heading home I would ask the aliens if I could use the bathroom. It does not matter if I had to go or not. I would just want an opportunity to pocket something I could use later to prove I was there. Maybe it would be one of those fancy soaps that you put out for guests that are shaped like rose blooms. I would not take one of the monogrammed guest towels, though. That would be way overboard, like petit larceny or criminal mischief. Maybe I would just snatch a piece of alien toilet paper. I bet it is super soft and absorbent. It does not matter what it is, just something little, a trinket to prove I was there.
I then would ask the aliens to return me to my house - not a few miles away like they did to Travis Walton. What's up with that? It is too cold out for me to be put to sleep in a snowbank far away from home I would freeze to death if I were not able to make it back inside within twenty minutes. My friends would all be like, "So weird, he went out in his pajamas and no shoes. What, was he chasing another UFO, or something?" Then they would all have a good hearty laugh. They know me.
Back at my kitchen sink my daydream faded and the windows came back into focus. They need to be cleaned, I thought. I finished my water and put the empty cup aside to reuse later. I walked back into the living room to check the fire. It was raging. I closed the flue and the damper and went back to bed. Confident I will know what to do the next time, I fell fast asleep.
Thank you for reading and keep an eye on the sky.
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